Ever since I was a little girl, I have said my prayers at night. I always thank God for Brian and I having such a good marriage, for my wonderful kids and family. The other night, after I said my prayers, I lay there thinking. I can understand my having Scleroderma and everything that goes with it. I would rather have it than have someone else in my family be sick. But I was wondering why Brian has Alzheimer’s. He is such a wonderful, loving man; why should he have to go through this? I have often wondered this, but until that night I had no answers. Then in a moment of clarity, it came to me. Brian depends on me for so many things. He always has. My love and support have gotten him through some difficult times. We have always faced everything together. We both know that we will not be here 10 years, probably 5 years from now. We have accepted that. But If I go before Brian, he will be devastated. He has family and friends to help him but you have to know Brian to know that he will not want to survive without me. I figure that God has given him Alzheimer’s so that if I go before him, he will probably be living in the past at that time and not in the present. His memories will sustain him until it is his time. I have to believe that there are reasons for everything. I think in Brian’s case, God is being merciful.
I don’t usually talk about my beliefs. When you are facing death, you have to plan ahead so that you can get the best of whatever is possible out of the time remaining. I believe there is a God. A few hours before my mother died, she said she saw "The good Guy", meaning God. She was not a religious person and to say something like this was out of character for her. I cannot look at the sky or at nature without knowing the miracle of life. My Catholic upbringing has given me my beliefs. My beliefs give me the courage and strength to live the best possible life out of my remaining time. All of us are going to die. Some of us are lucky enough to know when and are better able to prepare for it. I read somewhere that without death, life would not be so precious. That is so true.
Subscribe To Living With Hope, Scleroderma and Alzheimer's disease
Posts
Comments
About Me
- Dee Dee Hunt
- I have scleroderma, avascular necrosis, cervical spinal disc disease, pulmonary fibrosis, pulmonary aterial hypertension, and several other things that go with these diseases. I was diagnosed in 1991. I am 56. Brian, my husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. He is 57. This blog is about the two of us living with hope that a cure will be found for these and other orphan diseases.
3 comments:
Thanks for writing so honestly and candidly about all this Dee Dee. It's always tough to think about death and how it affects everyone, but I think you got it right here. And I'm glad God has given you a peace of mind in your prayers. Thinking about you daily!
I also appreciate your ability to express the difficult thoughts in life into words. I imagine that any person would dread the thought of their own mortality, but I have always admire your outlook on life and your realism about things that happen.
I often think about why people get the diseases or problems that they get. Honestly, I can't attribute them to God. I don't know that I even believe in such a force. I agree that the sky above and the beauty around us are miracles, but I tend to attribute those miracles to nature and biology. And I think that the non-miracles, the disease and disorders, the problems people face, should also be attributed to nature and biology. Every person is different and subject to their inner chemistry. Shit happens, and either people can wallow in it and say, "why me?" or they can be like you and expcept it and take advantage of every moment they are given. But, whether you believe in God or don't, it all comes down to the way we handle what life throws at us. I think the ability to take lemons and make lemonade is a miracle in itself, and you have definitely made lemonade. In fact, you make pink lemonade, and I admire you for that. I would hope, that in a similar situation, I would try and make lemonade, but I can't imagine how I would handle it. Indeed, the support of friends and family is key, and I have always been so lucky to have great ones. What happens will happen, but we must live full lives until we get there.
Thank you both for your kind words. I was hesitant to post such personal thoughts. I really appreciate your responding to me on such a sensitive subject.
Post a Comment